wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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