I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
