I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
