Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
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