I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
