I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
