someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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