Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Randomize
