took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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