what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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