Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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