yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
