Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
