She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
