I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
