Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
too bad you live with your parents still
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Never underestimate the power of titties
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
