If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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