If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
