Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
