Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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