I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
