Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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