Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
