you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
