Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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