his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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