dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
