Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
