I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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