he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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