and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
