There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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