Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
