I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
