So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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