glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
