you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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