he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
