She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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