Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
