I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
