Umm I'm too high to move.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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