i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I am spending my child support on dildos
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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