So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
