Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dignity is for republicans.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
