Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
