I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
