I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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