can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
