He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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