none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
