Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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