the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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