I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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