I need help removing her.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
