you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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