the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
