When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He has the fingertips of a God
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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