I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
