I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
